Memories Can't Fight the Pain
by Minty Wolf
Summary: (This story is yaoi-based (guyxguy love) if you don't like it, don't read it. Its not like I didn't warn you.) Snake reflects on the times he spent with Gray Fox as a friend, enemy, and maybe more? Read and Review? Please?


_"you wanted to die Fox... but still... why can't I put it pass me? I said no more tears. You were my only true friend... whatever a friend is... you were that.. if not more.."_ Snake sat in a lonely apartment room thinking about those years when he and Fox would fight together, when Fox would show him the ropes, tell him what to do so there would be no trouble when it came to the real combat experience, even when they fought against one another.. he felt close to him. No one could fill that gap that Fox left after his death back on Shadow Moses. Maybe years did pass, but to Snake, it was never to far away from thought. Every day started as a struggle. Hiding what he felt to avoid shame, sadness, more regret. But there was nothing he could do. He never got in a true good bye. And the time was far passed to even do so. If only he knew that the last time he saw him in Outer Heaven back in 1999 would be his last... He knew that he was never going to come back. He saw his smashed exoskeleton on under metal gear, surrounded in a pool of his own blood. Face already scarred from his big fight. The fight in Outer Heaven. It was Snake's fault that Fox ended up that way. Snake knew that it was either him or Fox so of course he did what he had to do. _"Snake.. farewell"_ Fox's last words echoed in his head constantly. He couldn't do anything. There was no way to save him, and even if there was, that was want he wanted. But why that way? Why such a brutal way? It didn't seem fair. Fox wanted to die. He got just that. But now it was Snake that wanted to die. Everything was running off track. Waking up at night with nightmares. Remembering the times when they would be together, fighting, learning from each other, forming a "friendship". Never understood why he just couldn't get over it. Yea.. easier said then done. Sure. "_you said fighting was the only think that you were good at... you were wrong.._" Snake sighed and light up a cigarette. "Never even got to tell you how I felt.." he heard him self say out loud. He walked over to the window and looked out. Children. Children in the streets. Carelessly playing. They don't have to worry about pain and suffering of losing someone so close. At least.. he hoped it was that way. Laughing, giggling, he was never like that.. it was always pain. Never stopped. He didn't care anymore. It was all numb. What else was he to fell? Fox was the only one he really cared for. Then he left with Big Boss. Then he had to kill him. Right when he thought the pain of that was behind him, he came back even more messed up when they met again at Shadow Moses. It was like he didn't even recognize the man he'd once would have died for. Fox, wanting to die? What was that? He was like a ghost. All he wanted was closure to.. something. Snake threw the cig out of window and sat on the couch. He blankly stared at the book on the table. Some lame crap that Otacon bought.  
  
There was one time. One time when Fox showed his feelings. It was then that he realized that Snake was the one person that he could confined in. He never let his feelings show to anyone. He was scarred in the past. By to many people. Never been a real relationship. Never thought it mattered. Never found the right person. He was abused as a child. A child growing up in a camp.. yea, not much love there. He never knew his parents. Alone in a strange contry. Funny. He was a native to Vietnam. Being both Vietnamese and American blood born during the Vietnam war wasn't a good thing. They were looked down upon. They weren't wanted by either side. Not American, not Vietnamese. It's not like he was only one. There were a bunch of others like him. Male and female. All these children put into labor camps. Until one day, when he was saved. That man become his idol. He wanted to be just like the man that saved him. He vowed that he would. Still, he couldn't find it in him to trust anyone. Only Big Boss and Snake. They were the only ones. Yet the one to chose to confide in was Snake. His little rookie follower. Rookie or not, he knew that he was all right. There was something about him that made him feel like it was all right to tell him about his pain, that he'll actually care and not just tell him to suck it up. He wanted to make his feelings show. Growing up he had to lose all of that. You didn't cry. You didn't get pissed. Get over whatever your problem is because no one was going to care. No one was ever going to ask you if you're all right, or if there was something that you wanted to talk about. Just do your job and nothing else. Snake made him feel secure. Snake remembered a time when Fox told him that. It was weird.. hearing that coming from a person like him. He remembered the feelings that Fox told him about. And the time when they connected in a more physical way. Of course the morning would come and Fox would have to wipe all emotion from his system to shield himself from being hurt. Snake could never understand. He just wanted to confide in someone. He knew Snake was just as messed up as he was most likely. He could tell by the way that he acted about certain things. He knew that it was all right to open up to Snake because Snake was the only one that could most likely understand some of the pain that he was always going through. "_there's room for only one Fox Snake! One! Like hell you'll take that away from me!_" those words haunted Snake for so long. "_Fox...? I don't want your title. I just want this to be over. What happened to you? There one moment, gone the next.. and changed almost completely. You're paranoid. You're the best Fox-Hound has to offer. I'll never earn the code name of Fox. Only you could.._" were the only thoughts that would come to his head. Couple of years later he heard the echoing words of Liquid screaming to Fox "_you are indeed worthy of the code name fox. But now you're finished!_" Snake couldn't believe that Fox, his Fox was being hurt so brutally. He was stronger then that. Did he just decide to give up? No. There was nothing Fox could do. Strength was quickly leaving his body just like his soul had seemed too. Was it really the weak voice of Fox that Snake was hearing? It sounded to weak, yet still, so sure of himself in every word he said. It had to be him. To bad it wasn't his imagination. Weak, trying to find the strength to take that one last breath. To tell Snake how he felt. All he could find was _"Snake. Farewell."  
_  
Snake shuddered as he thought on that couch. One last time. He just wanted one last time to look into his eyes. Have Fox tell him to stay close and that things would be all right. All he had was the memories.. that's all that he always has left. Are the memories. They all fade with time. The memory of Fox was the one that he never wanted to lose. If he ever felt love in his life.. he was sure that that was the time, when he did. 


End file.
